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These are some of my favourite musician jokes. I’m afraid it’s a bit unbalanced; there are very few good jokes about pianists but there seems to be plenty about everybody else.
What’s the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
“Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano?”
“So I can’t see the agony of the audience.”
Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road, and a dead keyboard player?
The skunk was probably on his way to a gig.
Piano Tuner: I’ve come to tune the piano.
Music Teacher: But we didn’t send for you.
Piano Tuner: No, but the people who live across the street did.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a duffel bag and sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices the bag and asks the man, “What’s in it?”
The man opens the bag and takes out an 12-inch tall man and a small piano and tells the bartender that this is the only 12-inch pianist on earth.
“Wow,” exclaims the bartender, “how did you get him?”
“Well, it happened like this. One day I was walking on the beach and I noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a cork on it. I opened the bottle up and a genie appeared. The genie told me that he would grant me one wish and I could wish for anything. You don’t think I wished for an 12-inch pianist do you?”
A pianist and singer are rehearsing “Autumn Leaves” for a concert and the pianist says:
“OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor.”
The singer says:
“Wow, I don’t think I can remember all of that.”
The pianist says:
“Well, that’s what you did last time.”
One can’t judge Wagner’s opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don’t intend hearing it a second time.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, “I knew that was too high for you dear.”
How many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one – he holds it, and the world revolves around him.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go “Yeeeee-Hah !” and throw his hat in the air
How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
She can’t find the key, and doesn’t know when to come in.
What’s the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don’t know either.
Why can’t a gorilla play trumpet?
He’s too sensitive.
What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
How do you get a drummer off your porch
Pay him for the pizza.
How can you tell he was a drummer?
The knock was rushed.
How can you tell the stage is level?
Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A drummer.
Johnny says to his mom, “I want to be a drummer when I grow up.”
Mom says, “But Johnny, you can’t do both.”
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.”
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says “All our accordions are over there.”
After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.”
The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?” The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?”
The store owner says, “That `big red accordion’ is the radiator.”
A viola player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. Halfway through the cup he remembered he’d left his viola on the passenger’s seat of the car. He rushed outside… but it was too late… someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
Neither did I.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Put some music in front of him.
Q: How do you make him stop?
A: Put notes on it!
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them.
What’s the difference between a guitar solo and a hurricane?
Nothing. You know it’s coming, and there’s not a thing you can do about it.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.
How do you define a “perfect throw”?
When tossing a banjo in the dumpster, the neck goes through the bellows of an accordian.
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says “I was a jazz musician…kill me now!”
There were two people walking down the street – one was a musician.
The other didn’t have any money either.
What’s the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.
What do you call a musician that just broke up with his girlfriend?
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb and four to stand around and say, “Man, if I’d had his studio time, I could have done that.”
Musician: “Did you hear my last recital?”
Friend: “I hope so.”
What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.
An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, “What are those drums?”
The guide turned to him and said “Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.”
Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: “The Drums have stopped, what happens now?”
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, “Bass Solo”.
A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. “You two need to talk,” he said. “So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it’s time for the bass player to solo. Then you’ll be talking just like everyone else.”
Nina J. Hodgson, Jazz Now Magazine
What’s the definition of a gentleman?
Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he’d do in “that strange land.” After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.
“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.
“Oh, Mother,” he replied, shaking his head sadly, “they’re such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won’t stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night.”
“But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?”
“Well, mother, I just ignore ’em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes…”
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